i screwed up. my world is maintained by the things that i choose to tell and withhold from certain people, and now i screwed up and it is not the first time and daresay i’ll live through it but i went and told my father some of the things that i always want to say but never actually do.
usually when he says stupid things like ”Do you love your pa?” or “we have a good relationship don’t we?” i just say mmhm and agree because that way i avoid hurting anyone. this time i said maybe!
so he said “did you just say maybe?” and i instead of fixing it right there by saying about how i guess so because i don’t know how you tell or by pretending i hadn’t been paying attention, i went on about how it is easier when you don’t live with him. and how when i was young if i did something bad or naughty i’d own up straight away but now noone tells him anything because they’re too afraid of him.
why do i do these things?
i have to go now and wallow in self pity - by which i mean go downstairs and try not to think about it while eating dinner then talking to mum about it tomorrow.
